Are You Controlling? (Quiz)

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If you don't listen to them now, in a decade or so you might be a former shadow of the person you were supposed to become. He currently works as an advocate for children in the foster care system. Stay alert; any attempt to remove or downgrade your friends or supporters from your life is a red flag.

If you've gotten yourself into a financial mess, a healthy partner might buy you financial advice books, help you find budgeting apps, encourage you to take a financial planning class, or offer to help you go through your backlog of unopened credit card bills while providing emotional support. You are our people. These people are shallow and unworthy of your time, and it is their fault, not yours.

Are You Controlling? (Quiz)

When you see the green expert checkmark on a wikiHow article, you know that the article has received careful review by a qualified expert. If you are on a medical article, that means that an actual doctor, nurse or other medical professional from our medical review board reviewed and approved it. Similarly, veterinarians review our pet articles, lawyers review our legal articles, and other experts review articles based on their specific areas of expertise. How to Recognize a Controlling Person Those who try to control other people are, simply put, neither nice nor respectful. Controlling people are self-centered and immature. They are likely to put the brakes on your leading a fulfilling, independent life if you're in constant close proximity to them. In order to spare yourself getting too entangled with a controlling personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact that the controlling person is the one with the problem and not you, here are some tried and tested ways to help you recognize a controlling person and respond accordingly. Consider how you feel around the people in your life before all else. Do you have any relationships in which you feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up with being told what to do a lot of the time and feeling very guilty that you keep giving in? Is there someone in your life around whom you feel you have to tiptoe and be super careful to mollify or not anger? If you feel that any of these situations have a ring of familiarity to them, then you may be dealing with a controlling person. Controlling relationships can be romantic or platonic. The test is: Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behavior? If someone always blows up if they're touched without warning but doesn't react in a controlling way if you wear your hair differently or lose weight or gain weight, etc. Other people's personal choices such as changing religion, dieting, grooming or exercise are boundary issues. Even if you think you're right and they're wrong, someone who's sensitive on any of these subjects is holding a boundary when it's about what they do with their life and how they're treated. It's when they start telling you who you are, what to wear, think, feel and do that they're being controlling. It's a big part of recovery to break the pattern in yourself. If you notice it at the time, it helps to back up and apologize to the person whose boundaries you crossed. This can save healthier friendships and relationships in your life. Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person. Moody people tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation by controlling others. What better than having someone else run at your beck and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain? Suspect any person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying the coward trying to control others or threats easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm are a sign of a controlling person. In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never put up with a person harming you. It is not your fault that they hurt inside. Sadly, it is more likely that someone else in their youth behaved the same way toward them and they're perpetuating a bad cycle. Think about how this person reacts to being asked normal questions. If you ask basic questions about what to do together, where to go, what they want, etc. Questions mean a decision still needs to be made, when the controlling person thinks the decision has already been made, all about them and for their convenience. They may become frustrated because their constructed image of you is at odds with what you say. This may actually become worse over time because the controller is seeking to have the controlled person second guess his or her own decision-making abilities. Listen to how they speak to you. If you frequently feel small, embarrassed, humiliated, or sad after this person talks to you, you might be involved with a controlling person. So, Maya often tells Cassie that she is a good friend but never agrees to call her her best friend even though Cassie often refers to Maya as her BFF. In this way, Maya holds out the possibility but never confirms it, putting her in control. This is controlling and abusive behavior, and you never need to put up with it. In fact, a controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue about how rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, etc. Remember that it is your right to make decisions, including ones that are in the negative and that refuse to do what this person asks. You always have the right to say no. Consider what happens when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Do you often find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you are usually a strong person? If so, you might be dealing with a controlling person. Controllers attempt to define your reality. If you say you're tired and the person says you're not, that's a good sign he or she is a controlling person. Let's say you have your day all planned out, and then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go. Review how this person sees difficult situations, mutual decision-making or issues of responsibility. It is in these areas that you can truly spot the controlling person at full throttle. Unlike a highly opinionated person who can be a pain in their own right but isn't seeking to control, just air their own opinions loudly , a controlling person lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two of you. Indeed, a controlling person is always seeking ways to change some part of your core traits or personality, reshaping you as part of their feeble attempt to control the world around them. While it could be said that relationships are not democracies, neither are they dictatorships. It is important to seek a balance you're comfortable with within any relationship and the ability to compromise, tolerate, be flexible and give and take both ways is essential to healthy relationships. Look at what happens around your other relationships. When the controlling person is around your friends and supporters, watch out. The controlling person will often try to cause trouble between you and your friends, spreading rumors, attempting to create divisions divide and conquer and will even tell lies exaggerations to be kinder about you to them or about them to you, to try to break your attachment to them. Stay alert; any attempt to remove or downgrade your friends or supporters from your life is a red flag. This is more than just not liking it if another person makes eyes at you. A controlling person will often act like they own you and have the right to determine who you spend time with, what you do, where you go, and when you come home. Check out this person's own personal friendships. Controlling people often do not have close friends, and rarely are friends with others who are more attractive, intelligent, or well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people, and will criticize those held in high-regard by others. A lack of close friends may be one additional sign of their inability to tolerate others and their need to control relationships tightly. They are mutual interactions based on shared give and take and always seeking balance. Watch for abuse of administrative or social power, including when there are shared rights. A controlling person tends to keep up social and legal connections through any means necessary, including threats of litigation, divorce, manipulating marriage, roommate tenancy contracts, shared cell phone plans, misuse of shared credit and similar contracts. Even in social networks, one may block and unblock a person rather than delete the connection, as another attempt to control a difficult or failed relationship. This is because controlling, abusive people are desperate for power. By seeming to give you lots of things, so that you always feel like you're benefiting in some way, you end up feeling as if you owe them something, perhaps even long term. They then use that obligation you feel towards them to control you. Accept the true nature of this person. Trust your gut feelings and try to be honest with yourself. If you see these symptoms in another person and you're feeling rotten around them, it's time to face up to removing them from your life or dealing with them differently. And be kind to yourself. It's like an ego trip for them. In other words, this is a backhanded compliment to you, that you are actually a strong and caring person targeted by a conniving individual who aspires to have your traits but hasn't got the courage. This will allow you to gain a more healthy perspective about your life, as well as force you to seek out your own individuality and independence away from this person. Do not provide an explanation to this person for your need for these changes. That will only invoke more attempts at control since they will know what you're up to and their manipulations will prevail. Just make the changes. Be prepared to have to set limits, to firmly make and uphold your point. Expect the controlling person to try to pressure or guilt you into doing what they want. When you hear these sorts of words, don't yield your boundaries. If we are going to stay together I need my privacy. This is simply a way of gaining control of the situation again by grasping for the attention, sympathy and concern of others. By all means drop them off at the doctor's if you're concerned a good way of sussing out their hypochondriac tendencies but don't fall for it as a means to staying to do their bidding. They will not like it when you try to stand up for yourself about something that is important to you. Always try to stay calm in conflicted conversations and do not lose your cool. Keep in mind that they probably will because you are challenging their control. End conversations immediately —— if they start to get verbally violent —— either by leaving or saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. Remember at all times that the problem of control is theirs and not yours. Be trustworthy fair and honest but keep your views closed away from this fact twisting, web spinning manipulator. The controller often wants to obligate you to volunteer personal information or to answer to questions on minor issues that seem to be fishing for your bad experiences, weaknesses or failings. This information is likely to be used to persuade or play mind games with you at a later date they have a very long memory for information discovered on such fishing expeditions. They may be a controlling person. Decide to distance yourself. When possible, avoid this person that you believe to be attempting to control you. You may even decide to cut them out of your life, but this can be impossible if they're family, a loved one or a work colleague. This person wants to finesse or direct your decisions away from your own desires for educational, lifestyle, career objectives, etc. By not accepting and appreciating your points of view unless you agree completely, they deny your personhood. Turn this around by simply stating that you appreciate their input but that this is how things are going to be for you. Go ahead and do or be the things that represent you. While it is important to be compassionate, it is also important to be detached and to let go of this person's attitudes, issues and problems. They're not yours and you don't need to and don't deserve to shoulder their burden. It is the role of every human being to learn how to make our better sides shine forth and excusing someone's controlling behavior because they've had a rough life or whatever else simply continues enabling what is essentially very bad behavior that is hurting them as much as it is hurting you. Through compassionate detachment, you can care about them as a person without involving your own emotions and staying entangled in their web. You do not support their behavior or allow it to continue in your life. If you are able to be more free and open with me, we can continue to be friends. However, you will also learn it with practice and the more you practice detachment, the more you will discover freedom and will learn how to let others be without seeking to rescue, save or prop them up. Although it's not easy, it's easier than being an emotional slave to someone else all your life. Unfortunately, you can only set and enforce limits and boundaries for yourself. Your son will have to set his own limits and boundaries. Check out one of our articles on boundary setting, limits, and dealing with controlling people. Offer support to your son, but be clear about what you are willing and not willing to do. Encourage him to read up on boundary and limit setting as well. You come across as very self-pitying despite it being your wrongdoing here! She clearly takes the marriage vows seriously and is prepared to give you another chance. On the other hand, you seem to be wanting it to be a reason for her to kick you out. If you want the marriage to be over, then have the courage to end it honestly and carefully; if not, then stop cheating and start being a real spouse. And whatever you do, those kids come first, be considerate of their needs before yours. Such a person will try to suck you in and while it's hard, things can get really bad with this type of personality as they will never change and will continue to manipulate you for their own needs. Belittling a person is an attempt to try to turn you into less than who you are in order to control you -- don't let this happen any longer. Use the internet; it is full of opportunities, using your abilities and education you can create a profile on market places on internet. For example post a gig on Fiverr, or sell your handcrafts on Etsy, sell things on eBay, etc. Taking steps to make your life better and being decisive on it will improve your self confidence and effect other people's attitudes toward you. But the key is to decide to create a better life for yourself first. Becoming more controlling can signal that your partner is cheating or is stressed. He may also just be really possessive. None of these things are good, so you two need to talk this one through completely and then you need to decide if you can handle continuing the relationship. Explain to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable when she tries to insert her experience and opinions for your own and that you are perfectly capable of thinking and feeling for yourself. Then make it absolutely clear that you do think and feel for yourself regardless of her running commentary, which by the way is a waste of her time and energy. She has done such a good job of convincing you she has good self belief but the reality is likely to be that she is highly insecure around you and only feels better when she thinks she is trying to contain you in a box of her making. If you are a strong, secure person, you may over time start to feel a bit weird about how you can never be correct in much of anything around this person, especially if it is a topic that the person feels confident of knowing. Listen to these feelings; they are there to guide you. If you don't listen to them now, in a decade or so you might be a former shadow of the person you were supposed to become. Don't let that happen to you. Never give controlling people any of your odd experiences nor deep or angry thoughts because they can be used against you, to control you. Such thoughts would most likely be used to get you isolated from others, getting people to not like or trust you. A controlling person in a powerful position may use others in an attempt to control you by proxy. They might get others to ask you how you feel about them. You just sense that something isn't right. Do not get drawn into specific conversations with a third party if you suspect they are being used for this purpose, stick to platitudes and generalisations. Real dependence attracts codependents. If you are disabled or have chronic financial trouble or other major life problems that need help, you will almost inevitably wind up depending on some controlling people for survival needs. Disentangling yourself from them if they are in charge of your benefits or medical care can take a lot of work. Document everything and seek the same services or assistance from healthier people. In at least some places a service like Adult Protective Services can intervene when social service workers, medical people or home care workers are controlling and limiting your life beyond what your original problems cause. Disability should be taken into account. Some disabled people may always change their plans or be unable to keep up with things you want to do. Test the friendship by bringing up issues that are clearly your own choices - hair, clothing, opinions that have nothing to do with them. Since many people have chemical allergies to various scents and perfumes, if someone asks you not to use a certain shampoo or even not use scents when visiting them, that's a physical boundary issue rather than an opinion of your perfume unless they tell you that you HAVE to use the scent of their choice instead. Watch for people who try to play on the emotional side of you to gain your trust early in the friendship. Things such as telling you what a hard life they had because they were bullied six years ago, but they tell you that they can trust only you -- while trying to get you to tell them your bad experiences. Don't you think that you did something to deserve it? This is sort of a mind game, influencing you to think of yourself the way they want you to. You will often find yourself feeling upset, angry and deflated after a conversation, and then they will try to persuade you to do other things that they know you don't like. You can tell the difference between this and healthy sharing because after sharing mutual painful experiences, both people usually come away feeling better and feeling understood. When it's not like that, look for the controlling person's mind games.

I knew it was bad but i did not ring how bad it was until recently. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs. According to Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. Sadly, it is more likely that someone else in their youth behaved the same way toward them and they're perpetuating a bad cycle. I have a right to my thoughts, opinions, emotions and they have no right to tell me if I'm right, wrong, how I should feel or anything. There's nothing sinister afoot if your partner throws out an old box you had in the basement, then con forgets that it happened when you ask about the box a month later. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. We give our everything to them. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of north or University controlling behavior quiz fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. This is book will keep you from getting into one in the first place. Taking steps to make your life better and being social on controlling behavior quiz will improve your self confidence and effect other people's attitudes toward you.